Bro Money, Bro Problems
Exponentially speaking- the more money a bro has, the more problems that ensue.
Biggie sang about it, you can read about it in the papers, & see it for yourself on a variety of reality television shows.
Your bro-worker gets work’s comp after he injures his wrist playing cornhole at the company picnic [bro money…]. Does he save this cash to invest in Musclemilk stock? No. Does he use it to pay off the credit card charges he racked up at BW3s 30 cent wing night? No. Does he bro-nate the extra funds to his favorite charity? No. Instead, he heads to the closest mall to purchase the newest, flashiest, most badass Ed Hardy hat and fitted shirt he can find [bro problems…].
“I don’t know what they want from me
It’s like the bro money we come across
The bro problems we see”
David Browie is an enigmatic and outlandish singer song writer who has enjoyed much popularity and success throughout his career.
Born and raised in New Jersey, he claims that “Much of the content of my songs comes from the brahs I grew up with. Dude.”
Some of his chart topping singles include:
1. “Rohypnol Rohypnol”
2. “Sunscreen in Space?”
3. “Life at the Bars”
4. “Theres Nothing Wrong With That Ass”
5. “Pass Me That Hair gel Baby”
Rumors of a 2016 tour with Jack Johnson were later found out to be false after Mr. Johnson was quoted saying: “Theres not enough money in the world to make me want to play music with that creep. Also, he smells funny.”
A man who has more friendships with lesbians than other women or men, the opposite of a fag hag.
“Brocean” can refer to the physical location on the beach that a bro party is forming, and/or any activities taking place there.
Popular activities at the Brocean include:
1. Asking your bro to rub sunscreen on your back, while saying “No homo man, no homo”. (that way it isn’t gay)
2. Telling stories (lies) about how you used to be a life guard and “saved little timmy’s life” that one time.
3. Yelling “Hey baby, how far do them legs go up?” at almost every girl that walks by.
4. Laying out and working on your tan. “Dude, how sweet is it that we can get bronzed out here for free?”
The bro way of deferring action or delaying.
Popular brocrastination tactics include, but are not limited to:
1. Learning the entire Jack Johnson discography on the acoustic.
2. GTL [gym, tan, laundry].
3. Watching the Beerfest on repeat.
The Ancient Bromans
The ancient Bromans were a civilization of party goers and ne’er-do-wells that the bro society of today owes much of their cultural heritage.
Lets examine a few of the similarities:
Bromans: Enjoyed drinking wine and womanizing. Bros: Enjoy Natty and rohypnal
Bromans: Raced chariots. Bros: Race riced out Hondas and trucks with metal testicles attached to the hitch.
Bromans: Wrestled naked. Bros: Wrestle naked.
It’s uncanny really…
The Brogre is typically much larger and more oafish (broafish) than your run of the mill bro. Typically they have a much lower I.Q than their still incredibly stupid counterparts. But occasionally you will see a Brogre that has a kind of idiot savant intelligence.
After a night of heavy drinking you can usually spot the Brogre passed out in the front yard with little or no clothes on and a plethora of derogatory pictures and names drawn all over him with sharpie markers.
This is often due to the fact that he mistakenly puts the rohypnol in his own drink.
Guantanbro is the highly controversial American detainment facility located in Cuba that houses the bros considered to be of the highest threat level to normal civilians in the United States.
President Brobama’s recent attempts to close the facility have proved unsuccessful due to the fact that no other countries want to house these highly dangerous and contagious breed of bros.
Excerpt From the Facilty:
Bro 1: “So they got you too brah?”
Bro 2: “Chyeah. They found me listening to Nickleback really loud, which is only a misdemeanor, but the combo of that and the upside visor made it a felony.”
Bro 1: “Bummer dude. Have you heard about the waterboarding here?”
Bro 2: “No, But I fucking love surfing! Right on brah!”
The Brona Lisa
Any work of art created by a bro.
Note: This is a rare occurance, as bros see any kind of art “dickless faggotry”.
Judging a bro from their appearance alone. Cargo shorts + Sandals + Visor = douche. This type of profiling is acceptable, as it protects the masses from “chilling out” and listening to Jack Johnson.
Where the bros go to stock up on essentials.
Such as: natty light, hot dogs, and roofies.
This one is pretty self exlpanitory. A robotic cop who wears visors and drinks natty light.
April 23, 2010 at 9:54am
A college graduate who cannot seem to let go of his bro-ish tendencies. Often seen at the water cooler hitting on the secretary, followed by a trip to TGI Friday’s to take advantage of half price appetizers and happy hour. Typically will also make awkward advances towards the waitress and forget to leave a tip.
A bro round-up, if you will. Cue King’s of Leon’s ‘Your Sex is on Fire’ and access these effective methods for wrangling up bro-le gang: a case or two of Natural Light or a 5 pack of Hanes white beaters.
Who needs a lasso when you can just as easily clear the area by distributing coupons good for a ‘free tan’ at your local salon that expire within the hour?
The prefered fighting style of the bros, characturized by excessive name calling, threating gestures, pushing and shoving, but rarely by any actual fighting.